Dec 6th, 2005 by Jesse Moore
So I recommended divorce yesterday. I'm pretty sure it was for the first time ever.
It was only after exhausting every other possible option. After she read the books we recommended (Love Must Be Tough, Torn Asunder), after they went to joint (and individual) counseling, after they tried separation, after prayer and intercession, after fourteen months of trying everything else - we recommended divorce. And not an easy one, but a shock-and-awe legal assault that might destroy any crutches that have kept her husband from walking with her and God.
It's an empty feeling, resolving yourself to this measure. I can't help but wonder if Kami and I are making a mistake, but I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing the same stories over and over again - stories of regret and remorse followed by stories of new lies and new rationale, wash and repeat. In the interest of everyone involved, I can honestly say that in the last fourteen months every alternative has been exhausted, and threatening those measures again will not instigate change.
Any thoughts?
It was only after exhausting every other possible option. After she read the books we recommended (Love Must Be Tough, Torn Asunder), after they went to joint (and individual) counseling, after they tried separation, after prayer and intercession, after fourteen months of trying everything else - we recommended divorce. And not an easy one, but a shock-and-awe legal assault that might destroy any crutches that have kept her husband from walking with her and God.
It's an empty feeling, resolving yourself to this measure. I can't help but wonder if Kami and I are making a mistake, but I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing the same stories over and over again - stories of regret and remorse followed by stories of new lies and new rationale, wash and repeat. In the interest of everyone involved, I can honestly say that in the last fourteen months every alternative has been exhausted, and threatening those measures again will not instigate change.
Any thoughts?
Jess – Tough, hard call but sometimes it is a call that has to be made. After more than 20 years of counseling couples we made that call this past summer and even fronted the woman $1000 to begin the process. The husband drinks, gambles, is emotionally-abusive and refuses to work. Easy call? No, because a wonderful 12-year-old boy is now caught in the middle. The Bible says truth and mercy must walk together. Too often in these cases — and more often than not, in our experience, it is the man — wants a boatload of mercy but no truth.
blessings,
Dad
Having been thru one, I can say that divorce sucks. Mine was relatively easy and I still wouldn’t want anyone to go thru that. Just my two cents worth.
Jesse – I know that you and Kami take marriage very seriously, so the advice you gave your friend must not have come easily. I share in your empty feeling.
Maybe the threat of loosing his marriage will get this man’s attention. I’ll be praying for this couple.
I remember years ago supporting a friend with the decision to divorce. Her husband repeatedly cheated and was verbally abusive to her and their children. I remember my comments to her then and still believe it “one of the most important things that we can teach our children is how to love, what we model to them is what they are likely to become”.
I know that your counsel to this lady must not have come easy. Nevertheless, given the information you have presented and knowing the Biblical justifications for divorce, I think that you and Kami have taken the correct approach. Like Dan said above, divorce is never preferable. But it is sometimes necessary. In this case, it doesn’t appear as if there is any desire for repentance and reconciliation on the part of the estranged husband. That is unfortunate, indeed. God bless you both for taking the harder road and for being an incredible witness and example for this friend of yours. Blessings on your day, my friend.
My heart hurts with you.
Mom
I hate divorce. I think it is evil. But then again I am jaded from my parents separation when I was 3. On the same side, I cannot ever imagine my parents married. Everyone would unhappy.
I think it was wise of you to consult Kami first. Our wives are very good at presenting all of the ramifications of an action. I myself have avoided certain banishment simply by speaking with my wife before I opened my mouth.
I agree with the comments above and my heart hurts for you also. Carol